# A Father's Day gift he will not put in a drawer: his story, told his way

Fathers are hard to buy for because most of them do not want anything. What many of them want, and would never ask for, is to be asked. Father's Day gives you a reason to do it that is not a doctor's appointment or a funeral.

## What you give

He hears your voice first: a thirty-second message you record, telling him what this is and why you want it. Nothing to install, nothing to read.

Then the first visit: fifteen to twenty minutes, by voice, starting with the easy things. The first job, the first car, the best boss and the worst one. He answers; the interviewer follows up.

Over weeks the book takes shape and he can watch it do so. He controls what goes in. When he is done, it is printed: a memoir in his own words, or a novel built on the true story if that suits him better.

## How to give it

1. Pay once. It is his to keep, with every recording, and he will never see a renewal notice.
2. Record your message. Keep it plain; fathers distrust speeches. Name a story you want and admit you do not know it properly. For example: "Dad, I'd love to have your stories. I still don't know how you and Mum actually met, and I want the real version, not the one you tell at weddings."
3. Give it with the question already asked. Write one on the card. "Tell me about the Cortina" gets more out of a father than "tell me about your life".
4. Let him go at his own speed. Some fathers do one visit a week on a Sunday and finish in a season. That is fine.

## Questions to start with

See also: Questions to ask your father about his life (/questions/father)

- What was the first thing you were ever paid to do, and what did you buy with the money?
- Who taught you to drive, and what did they say that you still hear?
- What was your father good at that you never managed?
- What did you do on the night I was born?
- Which friend from your twenties would you call tomorrow if you had the number?
- What did you build or fix that you are still proud of?
- What did you worry about when we were small that turned out fine?
- What do you know about getting on with people that took you fifty years to learn?

## If they are hesitant

If he says "what would I talk about", that is not a no, it is a question. Answer it with one story you want. If he says he does not do that sort of thing, tell him the first visit is fifteen minutes and that you will hear nothing he does not approve. Then leave it on the side. A fair number of fathers start on a quiet Tuesday a month later.

Related: Your parents' story, finished (/for/parents); How to write a book about your father (/write/book-about-your-father).

Tellforth: Your story, told in full, in your own voice, for the people who come after.