Questions to ask your mother

15 questions to ask your mother about the stories they never told

Every one of these is tender. Ask them once, late, in person, and put the way out in the question itself: "or would you rather leave that?" Handled with care, they produce the chapter the book turns on; pushed, they close the door. Ask about her own mother early. The way a woman describes her mother tells you how she will describe everything else.

How to use this list. Ask by voice and record it. One or two questions a visit is plenty; the follow-up ("Who else was there?" "What did she say?" "What happened the day after?") matters more than the next question. The 15 marked tender come last: ask them once, late, in person, with "or would you rather leave that?" in the question.

1. Is there something you've never told anyone that you would like someone to know?tenderAsk only once, late, and with the door open: "or would you rather leave that?"
2. Was there ever money you were ashamed of: owed, lost, taken, or more than anyone knew?tender
3. Is there a story about your family that was never told outside the house? Would you tell it now, or would you rather leave it?tenderPut the way out in the question itself. People take the door in more often, not less.
4. What did your parents never explain, that you worked out for yourself years later?tenderWhat a child worked out alone is often the truest thing in the book.
5. Was there someone in the family who was not spoken about? What do you know about them?tenderThe unmentioned relative is a door; let them decide whether to open it.
6. Did you ever keep something from your husband or wife to protect them? Did it work?tender
7. What did you do that you were never caught for, and would you still rather nobody knew?tender
8. Is there a letter, a photograph or a paper you kept hidden? Where is it now?tenderA hidden object is a story with a location.
9. Was there a child, a marriage or a love that the family does not know about?tenderAsk it only when you have earned it, and accept the first answer.
10. What did you find out about a parent after they died that changed how you saw them?tenderThe late discovery rewrites the earlier chapters; the book needs both versions.
11. Is there something you were told to keep quiet about as a child? Who told you, and why?tender
12. What were you most ashamed of at the time, that you can see differently now?tender
13. Did you ever lie to get a job, a house or a person? What was the lie?tender
14. Who knows the real story, if anyone? Would you want them asked?tender
15. Is there a thing you would like told after you are gone, but not before? Who should hear it first?tender

What these questions are for

A good book about a person needs more than facts. It needs the person on the page: how they talked, what they wanted, what they did when it mattered, the story that shows them. These questions cover 11 of the things a writer needs about your mother: wants, fears and wounds, what they want said, contradictions, the story that shows them, where they came from, how others saw them, key relationships, their place in history, objects, places, food, music, loss and fate, beliefs and values.

When people ask these. Mother's Day; her 70th, 80th or 90th birthday; after a diagnosis; a new grandchild.

More questions to ask your mother

• All questions to ask your mother
• Questions to ask your mother about her childhood
• Questions to ask your mother about family history
• Questions to ask your mother about love and marriage
• Questions to ask your mother about her work
• Questions to ask your mother about the war
• Questions to ask your mother about faith and beliefs
• Questions to ask your mother about food and the kitchen table
• Questions to ask your mother that are funny

Or see questions for everyone else, and how to interview a parent about their life.