An 80th birthday
The 80th birthday gift that asks the questions you never did
By eighty most people have been asked the same five questions by every grandchild and never the other five hundred. The party fills a room with people who all want the stories and none of whom know how to ask. This gives the family a way to ask properly, at the pace of the person being asked.
What you give
A listener, a message from you, and in time a book.
The gift opens with your voice: a thirty-second message, played at the first visit, telling them what this is. Nobody has to learn an app. There is no password.
The first visit is short, fifteen minutes or so, by voice, starting with the easy years. Later visits go where the teller wants. A visit can be five minutes on a tired day.
The chapters appear as they go, in large print on a tablet if that is easier, and the family can read along. When they are happy with it, it is printed, in their words.
How to give it
4 steps. You do the first one.
Buy it once. One price, no subscription, and every recording belongs to them.
Record your message, and collect one from each grandchild if you can. Keep yours simple and name a story you half-know.
"Grandad, happy eightieth. I'd love to have your stories, starting with how you ended up in Leeds, because nobody in this family tells it the same way twice."
Give it in person and do the first visit together, sitting beside them. Hearing the first question asked and answered is the whole demonstration.
Set up the days between: a thirty-second card question in the morning, if they like that, or nothing at all. Then let them lead.
Questions to start with
Ask one. Then follow it.
Written for the person telling the story. The full list is at questions to ask your grandparents about their lives.
- What was in the house you were born in that nobody has now?
- What did you have to do at twelve that a twelve-year-old would not be asked to do today?
- Who was the first person you lost, and what did people say to you?
- What was the proudest day of your working life?
- What was the hardest year, and what got you through it?
- What did your own grandparents tell you that you have never passed on?
- What is better about the world now, and what has been lost?
- If you could have one more ordinary day from any year, which year?
If they are not sure
It is theirs to accept, or leave.
At eighty, "I can't remember" usually means "I don't know where to start". Start for them: one question, the easiest, asked out loud with you in the room. If they are worried about getting things wrong, tell them the book marks what is certain and what is a family story, and that it is their book, and nothing goes in that they do not want in. If the answer is still no, respect it. The gift can wait for Christmas, or not be used at all.
Tellforth
The best gift is being asked.
Everything else is a way of saying so.
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