Questions to ask someone who is dying

29 questions to ask someone who is dying about hard times

Ask these late, in person, once, and with the door open to decline. Handled well they produce the chapter the book turns on. Ask "what do you want people to know?" first and "what would you rather leave out?" second. Everything else follows from those two.

How to use this list. Ask by voice and record it. One or two questions a visit is plenty; the follow-up ("Who else was there?" "What did she say?" "What happened the day after?") matters more than the next question. The 19 marked tender come last: ask them once, late, in person, with "or would you rather leave that?" in the question.

1. Was there a year when everything changed? What was the first sign?Turning points are the spine of any book. Ask how it started, not just what happened.
2. Was there a time you nearly left, or nearly lost them?tender
3. What was the proudest moment of your working life? And the worst day?
4. Did you ever quit something, or get fired? What did you tell people?
5. What did money mean in your house? Who held it, and what did "we can't afford it" sound like?
6. Was there a moment you were sure you had got it wrong with me?tender
7. What was rationed, scarce, or impossible to get, and how did people manage?
8. What did the first winter, the first job, the first apartment look like?
9. Was there a moment your faith was tested?tender
10. What was the hardest year of your life, and what got you through it?tender
11. Who showed up for you when it mattered? Who didn't?tender
12. Is there a loss you still carry?tender
13. What did you learn about yourself from the worst thing that happened to you?tender
14. Was there a time you were truly afraid?tender
15. Was there a death, a birth or an illness that changed what you believe?tender
16. What did you eat when there was no money?
17. What did coming home feel like, and how long did it take to actually come home?tender
18. Did you ever have to leave a house you loved? What was the last thing you did before you shut the door?tender
19. Who was the bully, and who stood up to them?tender
20. Was there a time you could not pay for something you needed? What did you do that week?tender
21. Which journey did you take because you had to, not because you wanted to?tender
22. Did you ever have to put an animal down, or give one away? Who did it, and who cried?tender
23. Was there a friendship that ended badly? What would you say to them now?tender
24. Who turned up at the hospital, the funeral or the door without being asked?tenderThe unasked arrival is the clearest proof of a friendship the book will get.
25. What was still rationed, broken or unrebuilt in your town when you were growing up?
26. Was there polio, TB or another illness that everyone was afraid of? Did it touch your street?tender
27. Were there power cuts, strikes or petrol queues where you lived? What did you do during one?A candlelit evening is a scene; "the seventies were hard" is not.
28. Was there a holiday that was cancelled, missed, or spent somewhere strange? What happened?
29. What should a person do in the week after something terrible happens? What did you do?tender

What these questions are for

A good book about a person needs more than facts. It needs the person on the page: how they talked, what they wanted, what they did when it mattered, the story that shows them. These questions cover 10 of the things a writer needs about someone who is dying: the story that shows them, key relationships, wants, fears and wounds, contradictions, beliefs and values, habits, routines and work, their place in history, loss and fate, objects, places, food, music, how others saw them.

More questions to ask someone who is dying

• All questions to ask someone who is dying
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about their childhood
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about family history
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about love and marriage
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about their work
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about faith and beliefs
• Questions to ask someone who is dying for their advice
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about what they want remembered
• Questions to ask someone who is dying that go deep

Or see questions for everyone else, and how to interview a parent about their life.