Questions to ask someone who is dying

15 questions to ask someone who is dying about the stories they never told

Every one of these is tender. Ask them once, late, in person, and put the way out in the question itself: "or would you rather leave that?" Handled with care, they produce the chapter the book turns on; pushed, they close the door. Ask "what do you want people to know?" first and "what would you rather leave out?" second. Everything else follows from those two.

How to use this list. Ask by voice and record it. One or two questions a visit is plenty; the follow-up ("Who else was there?" "What did she say?" "What happened the day after?") matters more than the next question. The 15 marked tender come last: ask them once, late, in person, with "or would you rather leave that?" in the question.

1. Is there something you've never told anyone that you would like someone to know?tenderAsk only once, late, and with the door open: "or would you rather leave that?"
2. Is there a story about your family that was never told outside the house? Would you tell it now, or would you rather leave it?tenderPut the way out in the question itself. People take the door in more often, not less.
3. Is there a letter, a photograph or a paper you kept hidden? Where is it now?tenderA hidden object is a story with a location.
4. Who knows the real story, if anyone? Would you want them asked?tender
5. Is there a thing you would like told after you are gone, but not before? Who should hear it first?tender
6. Was there ever money you were ashamed of: owed, lost, taken, or more than anyone knew?tender
7. What did your parents never explain, that you worked out for yourself years later?tenderWhat a child worked out alone is often the truest thing in the book.
8. Was there someone in the family who was not spoken about? What do you know about them?tenderThe unmentioned relative is a door; let them decide whether to open it.
9. Did you ever keep something from your husband or wife to protect them? Did it work?tender
10. What did you do that you were never caught for, and would you still rather nobody knew?tender
11. Was there a child, a marriage or a love that the family does not know about?tenderAsk it only when you have earned it, and accept the first answer.
12. What did you find out about a parent after they died that changed how you saw them?tenderThe late discovery rewrites the earlier chapters; the book needs both versions.
13. Is there something you were told to keep quiet about as a child? Who told you, and why?tender
14. What were you most ashamed of at the time, that you can see differently now?tender
15. Did you ever lie to get a job, a house or a person? What was the lie?tender

What these questions are for

A good book about a person needs more than facts. It needs the person on the page: how they talked, what they wanted, what they did when it mattered, the story that shows them. These questions cover 11 of the things a writer needs about someone who is dying: wants, fears and wounds, what they want said, the story that shows them, objects, places, food, music, key relationships, contradictions, where they came from, how others saw them, their place in history, loss and fate, beliefs and values.

More questions to ask someone who is dying

• All questions to ask someone who is dying
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about their childhood
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about family history
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about love and marriage
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about their work
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about faith and beliefs
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about hard times
• Questions to ask someone who is dying for their advice
• Questions to ask someone who is dying about what they want remembered

Or see questions for everyone else, and how to interview a parent about their life.